Confessions of the Gastrotistically Challenged
However, it contains somewhat graphic content, so if experiences in the
bathroom do not appeal to you, I’d suggest not continuing with this post.
It was the night of the Amazing Race. Marc and I were standing outside in
the main camp when I looked at him and said “Marc, I need to go to the
bathroom.” (…and I wasn’t talking about number one.)
Marc looked at me and said…”me too!”
“I’ll go with you.” I said to him.
He nodded and grabbed us a roll of toilet paper as we set off to the
bathroom.
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[At the bathroom]
“It’s a hole in the floor..” I shouted as we stood staring into our stalls.
We passed glances at each other, it was clear that both of us were
wondering.. “are we really about to do this?!” Either way, when ya gotta go,
ya gotta go!
So.. In we went!
Neither of us knew how we were supposed to do this. But we had to try.
A few minutes later I’m still crouching in the stall with my pants down. My
thigh muscles were screaming bloody murder and my brain was doing everything
to make this as difficult an experience as possible..
No matter how hard I pushed it would not come out.
After a long struggle my ravaged thrigh muscles demanded that I give up.
Exhausted and sweaty I pulled my pants up and pushed the stall door open.
Marc was already standing outside my stall. He had an anguished look on his
face, “I can’t do it!” He said. “This is impossible” was written all over
his face.
I shook my head and said “There’s no way to take a (poop) in that thing”
Both of us needed to go really badly but we had no choice. Our bodies
refused to cooperate with this un-native environment. Exhausted and sweaty
from our efforts, we stepped outside the bathroom. Julie happened to be
walking by and caught us leaving so we started to discuss the nature of our
bowel movement problems.
“When I get home, the first thing I’m gonna do is take the biggest and
fastest (poop) ever!” Marc said to me… “Me too man, me too.”
Jackie and Georginia joined in the discussion.. Before we knew it, we had a
party in front of our bathroom. And of course the central topic was Marc and
I.
The girls had already succeeded in doing this task, I will not ask how.
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The next morning Julie and Jackie started explaining to us in extremely
graphic detail how exactly to take a (poop) in a Kenyan bathroom. (American
support system… it helps!) They actually provided us with complete and
helpful advice.
An hour later, the need to go became unbearable for Marc and I.
Ashley was handing Marc a roll of toilet paper when Marc looked at me. “I
can’t hold it anymore!” I smiled and winced at the same time.
“We’ll do this together man.” I said to him. We were in this together after
all.
I took some of the toilet paper off him as us two gastrotistically
challenged Americans stumbled towards the bathroom. It could not have been
more obvious that we really really really needed to GO.
We took one look at each other. “Okay, lets do this.”
We decided to switch stalls this time around. I thought to myself, “okay,
lets get this over with.” Pants down, in crouched position. I let my face
get red with the pressure I put on myself to get those little bombers outta
my system.
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We walked out of that bathroom like champions. Arm in arm. We had exchanged
experiences and insisted that taking a (poop) was the first thing we’d do
when we got home. When we arrived back at the camp, the girls were all happy
for us.
I was too… At least until next time.
- Greg Pollock